


Discovering Your Brilliance

by kpop_minaj



Category: Junjou Romantica
Genre: Boys' Love, M/M, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-14
Updated: 2013-07-14
Packaged: 2017-12-20 05:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/883306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kpop_minaj/pseuds/kpop_minaj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a reupload from fanfiction.net. I uploaded the story as a whole this time, doing it by chapters is a pain in the neck. Hope you enjoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Discovering Your Brilliance

Title: Discovering Your Brilliance  
Category: Anime/Manga » Junjō Romantica  
Author: AnimeAddikt93  
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T  
Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Romance  
Published: 10-21-11, Updated: 01-26-13  
Chapters: 14, Words: 15,350  
Chapter 1: Sunset, Sunrise  
Author's Note: I don't write much terrorist or egoist stuff. Maybe i should start.

I drove around the park in meaningless circles. The sun was setting, a blood red. The heat of summer was suffocating, but I didn't roll up the windows. I never did. The wind made me feel alive, like I wasn't just some rich author who came up with brilliant ideas all day. That's the only way people ever treated me. I shielded my eyes from the glare of the sun. It was brightest when it was going to fall. Like everyday there was something new about the sunset, and nothing new about me. A million missed calls from Aikawa, another stop for take out, sitting at my computer screen and letting the loneliness flow onto the once blank screen. This would be how my night would go. It was how my night went every night, ever since I tried to tell Takahiro. It's strange how things can be so great one minute until you blurt out three little words that have such an impact. I love you. It was enough to scare him away. I hadn't got a call since, only for him to tell me he was getting married, rubbing salt in a festering wound.

There he was again. Takahiro's brother. He ran steadily around the track. I could hear his feet pounding the pavement over and over. This was also another constant thing about my day. I pulled over the side of the road like I always did. I liked to watch him run everyday. There was something graceful about his running. Misaki wasn't on the track team. He didn't run marathons. Everyday here he was, one of the few commitments he must have in his young life. He'd had a birthday not too long ago. He stopped with his hands on his knees, chest heaving. He looked up and his eyes looked with mine. Slowly he walked over to the car. "Usagi-san...right?" I nodded.

"How have you been?" He shrugged.

"I could be better, but I guess you know the feeling." He put his hands on his waist. He probably had a cramp. "I think...it's really shitty. How Nii-chan's acting."

"I guess it was to be expected." I looked at the sun vanishing.

"That doesn't mean it's right. And you've always been there for Nii-chan." Misaki looked at his phone. "Do you want to get something to eat?"

And just like that my night was different. I was sitting in a dim restaurant with the brother of the man I couldn't manage to forget. He flipped through the menu like he'd seen every food in the world before. I ordered a glass of wine, he order a hamburger. "You're not hungry?" I shook my head. "I remember you being much more talkative."

"I don't talk to anyone these days. Sorry." He nodded.

"I don't really talk to anyone ever." It was the first time I smiled in awhile. "I read your book." Ah, the one that seemed ominously related to my current situation. "You should write about happier things."

"I don't have much inspiration for things like that." Misaki sighed.

"I don't have any stories I could tell to help." We sat in silence while he ate and I sipped at my wine. "I don't think my life is much better than yours. Even if you didn't say anything to Nii-chan he would probably have forgotten you by now. I love Manami and Mahiro to death, but they're his main concern now."

I'd dropped Misaki off and went back to my empty condo. I made my way to the closet and opened up a box. Dust had gotten inside already. All those old fantasies of mine lay trapped in this box until that day. I could never love another man. I closed my eyes and tried to shut out his voice. I walked out and up to my office quickly. I began typing up a new story furiously. And when the sun started to rise I barely noticed.

Misaki

I dug around in Nii-chan's closet as long as I could manage. I kept my ear free so I could hear if anyone was coming. Finally I found his number. It was scrawled down in my bad handwriting. Nii-chan had taken it from me when he said I wouldn't be asking for advice for school anymore from Usagi. I stuffed it in my front pocket and walked across the hall to my room. He'd been so sad. He'd been so lonely and pathetic, nothing like the man I had been getting to know before. It was all my brother's fault. The worst part was, I couldn't blame him. What would I do if my best friend was in love with me? I didn't have a best friend, but if he fell in love with me...I'd have a different reaction. Most likely...I'd fall for him too.

I pushed that thought out of my mind and sat on the bed with the phone in my hand. Nii-chan's reaction toward Usagi showed how his reaction would be towards me. I liked guys. I could admit, only to myself. Now I was scared that I wouldn't be accepted. For a long time I wanted to talk to someone. I would try to look for his number in the phone book. Whenever I got near Usami I would slam it shut. I was a coward. I didn't have the courage to do what I wanted to do. Why? I was ashamed of myself. I didn't feel like a real man. I'd never be able to live the normal life Takahiro was leading. Lately, it was becoming okay with me because I wasn't Takahiro and I didn't want to be.

It was a little late, but he would answer. I dialed his number and waited for it to ring. "Hello?" He was obviously half asleep.

"It's Misaki." I heard some movement.

"Is there something wrong?" The tiredness had dissolved from his voice. "I just needed to talk to someone and...I know I can't talk to Nii-chan."

"Is it bad?"

"It might be to him, but you would understand." He was quiet. "I'm...I..." Suddenly I couldn't say anything. I'd never told anyone.

"What is it?" I took a deep breath.

"I'm more like you than you know. It's just that I've never said it before. I didn't know it would be so hard." I could hear him lighting a cigarette. "I'm gay." It was silent for a moment.

"Let's go out drinking." I looked at the clock. It was almost midnight.

"I can't drink yet. Besides it's late." He sighed.

"You had enough courage to call and talk to me yet you can't have one beer. You're 18. Most likely you don't have a curfew. Be ready in ten minutes." The line went dead. I found myself getting up and looking around in my closet for something decent to wear, partly because I didn't want to be home and partly because I wanted to talk to Usagi.

When I walked out of my room Manami and Nii-chan were playing checkers. Sometimes they would both try and get the same day off so they could spend more time together. Manami worked in a clothing store for about a month now. Mahiro was a complete months old now. Nii-chan had taken the night shift so he could watch Mahiro most of the day and Manami would watch him at night. They both looked up as I walked out of my room. "Where are you going Misaki?"

"I'm heading out with a friend." I hadn't had a real friend for a long time. Nii-chan looked skeptical. "I met him when I was out running. He likes to drive around and look at the sunset. He does everyday. I noticed him a lot of times before, but we just started talking today."

"Should you go out with someone you just met?" Manami was always doing that. Sometimes I wish I only told a quarter of the truth instead of half. She might not have something to act all motherly about.

"It's fine Manami. I'm 18 years old. Practically an adult. I can tell if he's safe or not." I walked out and waited on the porch. Usagi wasn't driving his usual flashy red sports car. This one seemed just as expensive and nice but it was as dark as the night. Even the windows were tinted.

"Hurry up." I ran around to the passenger side and slid in. He pulled away quickly. Manami and Nii-chan probably heard and now decided I was being kidnaped. "I didn't want Takahiro to notice my car."

Usagi

Once inside the bar Misaki was more talkative than in the car. We rode there in awkward silence. Neither of us knew how to think of our situation. I loved his brother who I desperately wished was gay, but he got married. All Misaki wanted was a normal life, wife, kids, and white little house to match it all but he was gay. The irony could kill. Here we were anyway making the best of our shitty situation. Misaki needed guidance, I needed someone to talk to. Together we might just actually become friends, but you never know.

We were in a back room somewhere. I always got tired of dealing with people especially when they recognized me, but I didn't like going anywhere high class either. I hadn't gone anywhere with Isaka in almost a year. He didn't force me after I told him what happened. Aikawa bothered me less and less, and now barely at all. People didn't seem to understand that I didn't need to be alone anymore. It was the last thing I need actually, but I couldn't say that. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone that I needed them. I didn't know if it was because of pride, or because I was now terrified of rejection. Maybe it was a bit of both. Misaki sipped on a beer quietly.

"So how did you first know?" Misaki looked at me expectantly.

"It was mostly because of your brother. I never really had a crush on anyone before him. Not seriously anyway. The whole thing was in my head though. Eventually I was dumb enough to think it would all work out. I guess not.

"It wasn't any one person that I liked or anything. I guess I just always knew. I tried to act normal and like girls at one point, but something in me felt like it was wrong. I just stopped trying after awhile. I wasn't any of their types anyway, so I guess I just got lucky that no girl ever had a crush on me." Misaki drunk quickly.

"I'm sure that's not true. People can't always admit when they like someone. You see how long I waited? It's not easy to tell." Misaki opened another can.

"I know you're right. I've never really liked anyone yet. I don't think I've really been extremely attracted to anyone either. Maybe there's something wrong with me." Misaki sighed.

"I don't think it's you. It's everyone else. You can see people for what they are even if you aren't conscious of it. You always want to believe people are nice, but it doesn't work out that way." Like Takahiro. "You're lucky. You won't build someone into something they aren't. You won't get disappointed or hurt."

"You aren't the only one who was hurt by Nii-chan Usagi-san, he's been hurting me too. When I back away and look at the big picture...it seems like I'm not in it. It always feels like I'm peering into a window while they have a big family dinner with lots of little kids and Manami's whole family. I feel like something just added on because I have to be there...because Nii-chan wouldn't feel right if he outwardly just shoved me away. I don't know if it's really the case, and maybe I'm just imagining things...but that's how I really feel about the whole situation. He's already moved on, but sometimes I still feel like I'm eight years old." He looked down at his hands. He'd never gotten over their parents death. I wouldn't say Takahiro had, but he just was lucky enough to be able to put it behind him. When it happened, he was older and smarter. Misaki was a child and didn't get much time to really get to know his parents. He didn't even understand what death was. Takahiro was trying too hard though. He was trying so hard to forget that he was forgetting the important things too. Thinking about it I always knew there might be a time in Misaki's life where Takahiro started to blame him for things he didn't achieve because he was taking care of him instead. It wasn't Misaki's choice though. He would never see him that way, and even if I tried even I wouldn't be able to convince him.

"I'm sorry to hear that." Misaki looked out the window.

"But you're better off Usagi. Now that you told him everything you don't have this deep dark secret to hold inside. I'm too afraid to tell Nii-chan anything now. He always reacts different. I'm scared that he might be the same way he was towards you to me." There was a difference between us.

"Well, you're not in love with him so it should be fine." Misaki shook his head. His cheeks were pink. He was pretty much drunk.

"He'd just try and convince me I was straight because I've never dated anyone. I've never even kissed anyone. He would use that against. If I lied to him and told him I had a boyfriend or something like that...he'd just use that as a reason to be mad a me. He doesn't want to admit that he might have some type of prejudice. That's our Nii-chan though." He was mad. He looked cute. It always amazed me how Misaki and Takahiro looked nothing alike.

"Misaki you're drunk." He nodded. "I'll take you to my place. Call your brother and try to sound normal please. We don't need him to come looking for you."

Baby I'm sorry, even when I'm with you, I'm Lonely

I must be lacking when it comes to love, please forgive this horrible person I am

I'm sorry, this is your and my story

I must not be worthy of this thing called love, even though I'm by your side

-Lonely, 2NE1

Chapter 2: The Beginnings of Love?  
Author's Note: I've had some health problems. Still not 100% but doing better.

Misaki

The shone in through the oversized windows in Usagi's condo. He was sleeping on the couch, a cigarette still burning in his hand. Ashes hit the floor and sizzled out. I'd woken up awhile ago in his bed. It smelled strongly of him, like cigarettes, cinnamon, soap, and something musky. I found myself deeply inhaling with my face buried in a pillow. I'd looked around for a little while before wandering downstairs. I went into the kitchen. It was packed full of food. Usagi couldn't cook though. It must just be so he could attempt. The least I could do was make breakfast for Usagi. I'd called Nii-chan and told him I was staying with a friend. He didn't really buy it. While Usagi got in the shower, I'd fallen asleep. He'd taken the couch and let me use his bed. I had to repay him somehow.

I was setting the table when a groggy Usagi appeared. He went into the kitchen and headed right towards the coffee. He rubbed his eyes as if confused. "Why is it already made?" He mumbled to himself. He looked around and spotted me. He looked at all the food and then at me. "You cook?"

"I used to a lot. Now it's Manami's thing." Usagi sat at the table.

"You didn't have to make so much." I could feel my face growing red. I hadn't cooked in so long I got carried away and made way too much.

"I'm sure you don't get to eat things like this often and I wanted to thank you for giving me a place to stay. I hadn't cooked in awhile so...I got a bit carried away. I didn't realize I made so much." Usagi shrugged.

"No problem. Like you said, I don't get to eat like this much." Usagi was odd. He seemed to consider his food's feeling or something. Either that or he just liked to stare at it. "How'd you make it taste like this?" Ah, so he wanted to know how to cook. Nii-chan had told me numerous times that Usagi had almost blown his house up and he had to go check on him.

"I don't know...I always liked to cook. I just learned from watching my mom when I was little." She always used to cook a lot and pay attention to me. She noticed I seemed to be amazed and taught me tons of things. Afterwards I'd write it all down. Recently I rewrote all her old recipes and made a cookbook. It was one of the few things I had left of her. I could feel tears stinging my eyes, and the lump in my throat growing harder to swallow. Usagi seemed to notice. I took a shaky breath and tried to smile. The result was probably poor.

I could feel the tears falling now. I was glad I wasn't crying like I did when I was alone. I always managed to hold everything in until I could be alone. Something about Usagi unnerved me. I felt like I could be too honest around him and I didn't like it at all. I was so used to being reserved and hiding things from Nii-chan that I hid things from everyone. Usagi got up from the table. I wouldn't blame him for leaving the room or kicking me out. It seemed like I was only going to cause him problems which was the last thing I wanted.

When I looked up his face was right in front of mine. I didn't expect him to kiss me.

Usagi

Misaki stared at me with those wide emerald eyes. All the tears stopped flowing after a minute. I didn't expect to be doing what I was doing, but I wasn't the sort of person that knew how comfort people very well. All I knew was that whenever I saw Misaki my chest would get tight and my mind would be clouded with thoughts of him. It was a familiar feeling, a dangerous feeling. "You stopped crying." I went back to my seat and continued eating. I didn't want to hope that Misaki had feelings for me, but I could feel myself doing it anyway.

"Yeah. I guess I did." He laughed. "Thank you. Usagi...I don't understand how Nii-chan could willingly lose a friend like you. He's an idiot."

After Misaki was done cleaning up he wrapped up all the food for me. I'd probably eat it all week. It was much better than anything I had to grab for myself. "I guess I should get going huh?" Misaki didn't look like he wanted to leave, but it would be more awkward for me to tell him to stay.

"Do you want a ride?" He shook his head no.

"I think I'd rather walk. I have some things to think about anyway. Thank you for letting me stay here...and thanks for cheering me up." When he left...it felt empty. It was why I didn't get used to having anyone over, but his presence felt so natural there. I went up to the bear closet and turned on the light. I hadn't been in there in awhile. I looked down at the boxes I'd put there so long ago. I opened them up. The new series would be liked more I was sure. I'd already finished the story. I rushed downstairs and dialed the number to Aikawa's office. She rarely came over anymore, just to get a manuscript. I couldn't blame here. I wasn't the nicest or happiest person to be around.

"Hello?" I could tell she was tired.

"It's me." She sighed.

"What is it sensei?" When'd she get so sarcastic? Probably awhile ago. I just didn't notice.

"If you don't want to hear good news I'll hang up. I mean I was thinking of you when I started this project." I could hear her going through papers.

"No! No! I didn't mean it like that." Things finally were seeming normal again. "What's the good news?"

"I'm going to start them again. So you'll have more work to do." She stopped what she was doing. "Aikawa?"

"I'll be over shortly sensei!" The line went dead. I hadn't really smiled in so long I almost forgot what it was like.

Aikawa

I'd been planning with Usami-sensei for hours. The last thing I had expected of him was to start up his BL novels again. I was interested in why he decided too, but he seemed to be in a good mood and I didn't want to bring up a touchy subject. I decided to go for it anyway. "Sensei why are you writing these again?"

"It might be better if I just show you." He hadn't been this enthusiastic in awhile. What could possibly make him this way? "Come on." He got up, car keys in hand, and walked out. I followed quickly. He drove to the park once we were in the car and stopped. It was mostly empty of people. Some kids were scattered around.

"What am I looking for exactly?" He pointed towards the track.

He had chestnut hair and emerald eyes. Sweat matted his hair to his forehead, but he breathed evenly and focused his attention ahead. I could here his feet hitting the pavement from the car. He didn't look like he'd be strong but I could see the lean muscles in his when he ran...he was cute. He was young. More my time than sensei's. He had a crush I was guessing. He was writing out all his fantasies again...falling into the same bad habit. There was no way that kid wanted him. "He's cute."

"You disapprove?" He was fixed on his figure, running another lap.

"He's a little young." He was still staring. Suddenly the kid stopped and ran up to the car.

"Hey Usagi." He stretched a little.

"Hi Misaki. This is my editor." He gestured towards me.

"I'm Aikawa." Misaki smiled.

"Misaki Takahashi." Takahiro's brother...not good. They didn't look anything alike. Sensei was unbelievable, but I didn't expect anything less.

Chapter 3: Note to Readers please read  
PLEASE READ.

Hi everybody. I know I haven't updated any of my stories in some time, not just this one. I'll be putting the same note on all of them. Recently I've been in and out of the hospital for a number of reasons. I hurt my back and have been going through physical therapy for that and then I came down with pneumonia. Right now I'm still pretty sick. I check on all your reviews everyday and I write down all my new ideas. Since I've just started to feel better I've slowly been catching up on my youtube videos and fanart, because I have other fans in other places and I need to catch up on my schoolwork. While reading all your usually nices reviews I came across this one:

just a reader:Hum, Im very dissapointed in how you're letting all you

reveiwers and readers wait so long. Im sure you have som e very loyal

reveiwers and readers to be waiting this long considering that you havent

updated in lets see...5 MONTHS! I only started reading this bout a week ago

and then when i finished just now, I went back up to see how long havent you

updated. i was just downright upset. This happens to us readers and reveiwers

alot. For me, I didnt want this to be an abanddned story like the rest of

them. I always hope that author's would at least complete their stories b4

completely forgeting about it. I wouldnt be surprised if people already

started to give up on seeing if an author updated yet and always end up with a

sad face. Yet, i wouldnt be surprised if people kept trying. Its because you

guys make these amazing storys that im sure people love and then you make them

wait an eternity and make them think that you abandoned it. i really hope you

dont abandon this! UPDATE! ASAP! PLS!

Right now I'm obviously upset. I have not abandoned anyone and never once did I say I was going to stop writing. Facing fans like this makes me want to stop though. Please let me know your opinions on this because now I'm not really sure about how I feel about continuing. On youtube or deviantart I really never face problems like these. Fanfiction readers are the harshest critics among all and I just want you all to know you need to watch what you say because you don't know other's situations and you could hurt their feelings.

Chapter 4: Friendzone or not?  
Author's Note: I've got good news from my doctor, so I'm having a pretty good day. Hopefully I can update all my stories this week.

Misaki

The phone was ringing. Takahiro was watching a movie with Manami. They both looked towards me. I got up and answered. "Hello?" Takahiro was staring at me out of the corner of his eye. "Ah...Usagi-san." I'd thought of hiding things from Nii-chan, but in the end I didn't really care if he didn't want me around certain people. I'd find a way to see them anyway. He looked like he was going to have a heart attack when he heard me say Usagi.

"What are you doing right now?" Usagi seemed different on the phone. His voice was even huskier.

"I'm not doing anything. I was thinking of going for a run." I suddenly could feel his lips on mine again. I feel myself turning red.

"Good. Meet me at the park." He hung up. I walked back to my room and changed into shorts.

"Nii-chan I'm going out." I tied my shoes quickly at the door.

"Where are you going?" He got up and was walking towards me.

"Just to the park. See you later." I ran out as fast as I could. Once I was running I didn't want to stop. It seemed to be the only way I could get away from my problems. The pain in my chest was almost unbearable...but the feeling of flying was worth it.

Usagi

Misaki was fast. I'd gotten to the park a couple minutes after I'd got of the phone with him. I could see him in the distance. He was running fast. He seemed to know every bend in the road, abnormality in the sidewalk. In less than a minute he was standing in front of me, bent over with his hands on his knees. I handed him a water bottle.

"Thanks." He downed half of it and then sat on the ground. "So why'd you want to meet me here?"

"I was writing and needed a bit of a break. I figured you were just at home today." He nodded.

"I was about to come out anyway. Sometimes I don't like to sit inside and watch Nii-chan and Manami be all lovey dovey." He flopped back into some leaves. "It's such a nice day." It was a nice day. I hadn't paid attention to the weather in such a long time. Usually I'd be inside. Usually I was depressed over things I couldn't change. Misaki's breathing finally slowed to a normal pace. "Usagi why'd you kiss me the other day?"

"I like you." He placed his hand in front of his face. He looked cute.

"No has ever told me they liked me before. I don't know how to react." He was so innocent and young. Someone who wouldn't judge me...someone who'd been through so much but could still be happy. He was a lot stronger than me.

"You don't have to do anything about if you don't want to." Misaki looked at me for a minute.

"How about we become friends? You were Nii-chan's best friend but I don't know much about you. So you can be my friend." So cute...

Misaki

The sun had set when I returned home. I was going to have a friend. I didn't know if it would work. Usagi had said he liked me...me bringing up being friends was mostly for him. I didn't know how he liked me...I wasn't sure he knew himself. I needed to sort out my feelings without hurting his. Maybe he'd realize he didn't like me the way he thought he did. "I'm home." I could smell dinner on the table. I probably wouldn't taste any of it. Dinner was always quiet and tense in this house. It'd be worse tonight.

"You're just in time for dinner Misaki." Manami was setting the table. I sat down. Nii-chan appeared a minute later.

"Misaki where did you go today?" I thanked Manami for dinner and started to eat.

"Huh? I told you. I went running in the park. Usagi-san was there too." He dropped his chopsticks and then tried to gain composure.

"Why are you talking to him?" I didn't really know myself.

"He was in the park a couple days ago. I recognized him and we started to talk. He just wanted to know how things are going since you don't talk anymore." He looked mad.

"You know why we don't talk Misaki."

"I know why. I just don't understand. He was a really good friend to you Nii-chan. It's not right to just dump someone like that." He looked shocked for a minute and then started eating.

"It's complicated Misaki." I sighed.

"No. You're making it complicated. It's really not that complicated at all when you think about it. He confessed but you have someone else. So you say no...it doesn't mean you can't be friends Nii-chan." It was silent the rest of dinner.

"Ah! It feels nice!" I sunk down in the bath.

"Misaki it's weird to talk to yourself." Nii-chan always said that to me.

"I know. I know."

Chapter 5: Blackout  
Author's Note: I'm on spring break. Sorry for not writing for awhile. Senior trip was fun but now I'm really lazy. That and I couldn't get documents to work for some reason but I have updated my laptop and everything is good again.

Misaki

My chest burned. My lungs felt like they might collapse, but I pushed myself harder. Usagi sat on a bench with a coffee in his hand. I wanted to run a marathon in a month or so. He was timing me. I stopped in front of him with my hands on my knees. He looked up. "Five laps in seven minutes and thirty seconds." I need to be faster, but that wasn't bad. "You shouldn't push yourself though. You'll pass out." I wouldn't want that to happen either. "Why don't you come to my place and take a shower? You brought a change of clothes right?"

"Why don't we just go to a bathhouse?" I stretched and slowly started to gain my ability to breathe normally back.

"Bathhouse?" I nodded. "I've never done something like that."

"It's fun. Barely anyone is there at this time. We'll have it all to ourselves. I can wash your back if you want." And so we made our way to the bathhouse. Barely anyone was there, but the workers cleaning the baths for the wave of people who came at night. Usagi seemed confused at the whole thing.

I sat at a shower and he followed. "So why do people do this kind of thing?"

"Hm...I guess it just feels like your scrubbing your troubles away. It does for me anyway. And the bath never gets cold, and you can come with your friends." I usually would be here alone, sometimes with Todo is he was doing some police drills. Usagi turned so I could wash his back.

"That feels nice." He finally relaxed.

"Well it's not everyday you can get your back clean like this." Usagi sighed.

"I'll wash yours too." He turned to look at me.

"Sure!"

Usagi

Misaki had a girly back. It was smooth. I could feel the muscles underneath. Overall his was wiry and delicate looking. I tried not to stare too much, but his body fascinated me a bit...maybe because I wanted it so badly. "You're really good a this Usagi-san. What other things have you not done with friends?"

"A lot of things. I was usually at home or outside in the garden as a kid. I've only had a few real friends." He stretched a little when I was done.

"I only have a few friends, but they're really nice." Misaki headed over to the shower to wash his hair. He whistled the whole time. It was cute. I felt kind of weird just watching him. I wasn't sure if he realized it or not. We were finally dressed and back outside after almost two hours. The sun had set.

"Do you want to get dinner?" I didn't want him to go yet. I couldn't have him just leave at this point. I was grasping at straws, trying to make something out of nothing. I knew I was being stupid. I knew that he didn't feel the same way about me. I'd already made this mistake before...but it seemed like once you did something stupid it was easier to do a second time. I didn't know if I loved him yet...no I did know. I knew this feeling anywhere. And who would think someone like me could fall in love so easily. Why did it always have to be with someone who could never love me back. Suddenly my eyes stung...I felt like I was going to cry right there. Misaki looked worried.

"How about I cook you something back at your place?" The drive was silent. He was probably wondering how he ended up with some over emotional pervert. Misaki made himself at home in the kitchen. I excused myself to the bathroom. I leaned over the sink and looked in the mirror. If I looked close I could still see the traces of the damage done by Takahiro. He probably didn't care how I felt and that was understandable. I'd been the one that shocked him the most. For some reason I thought I was out of tears until I thought of being wounded in the same way. I splashed freezing water onto my face. Get it together.

When I walked downstairs it already smelled good. Misaki was humming some song I didn't know. I sat at the table and tried to regain my composure. Around him it seemed like I had none. I'd fallen in love quickly, admitted things I hadn't wanted to, and now this. I'd never cried in front of anyone ever and yet I could in front of him...He set a plate in front of me and sat down. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing...well nothing I want to talk about." He nodded.

"Sometimes you feel better by yourself. Nii-chan never seems to understand that." He pushed food around his plate. "I bet you don't want to hear about him though..." No...not really. "That's fine because I don't really feel like talking about him. It just always seems to come up. Somehow it just makes me sad."

Misaki

"That was good!" I flopped back on Usagi's couch. He turned on the news. There was something about a fire and a murder. I stared out the window and watched the rain begin to fall. Soon it was pounding. Then the thunder started. It always made me uneasy, the rain. I would think of my parents then and honestly it was something I'd hoped I'd be able to shut out of my mind by now. It seemed I didn't have that type of strength, although some would argue it was a weakness. I'd rather have the weakness to push it away because I didn't have the strength to embrace my past.

The power went out. I always hated being in complete darkness. I closed my eyes tight. "Misaki? Are you okay?" I felt like I was frozen from the inside out. I couldn't even think of how to respond. "Misaki?" All I could hear was the rain and all I could see was the lightning. And I kept thinking I want to go home. That home didn't exist anymore. If I went to my home now, a small room in an empty place...I think it'd be worse. "Misaki?"

Chapter 6: Reflections on a kiss  
Author's Note: So the new Junjou series starts December 20! Who's excited?

Usagi

When the lights turned on I sat there frozen watching the tears fall down Misaki's face. "Misaki...what's wrong?" He touched his cheeks and seemed surprised.

"I don't have a home." He said it quietly like he'd just realized something he always knew. I didn't know what to do. I knew the feeling, but there wasn't much that could make it better. "I feel more at home anywhere else, but home."

"You can stay here as long as you want." He wiped his eyes. He still was crying though. I felt helpless and I didn't like it. So I did the only thing I could do and hugged him tightly.

"I think I'll stay here tonight." I could feel his small hands gripping my shirt tightly. "We're a bunch of babies...crying all day for no reason." He started laughing. "I'm not even sure why I still care at this point."

"It's hard not to." Misaki nodded.

Misaki

I was starting to feel like a real asshole. I'd never been in a relationship, but I wasn't stupid. I could tell what Usagi's looks meant. I could feel his heartbeat speed up while he held, and I could feel mine doing the same thing. Yet I put on this stupid smile and acting like I felt nothing. I acted like we could be friends when I knew something was there, because at the end of the day I couldn't handle someone loving me. I was scared that it would end. I was scared it would all blow up in my face like it always seemed to. I wasn't ready for the pain of it, but that meant I would never know what could've been. I was tired of looking back but afraid to move forward.

I stood with Usagi out of the balcony looking up at the stars; they were clear, brilliant. When I stopped looking up he was looking at me. "Do you like the stars?"

"They're easier to see from over here. It's harder at home with all the city lights in the way. I think I'd like to live somewhere where it's easier to see the stars." He looked up.

"That would be nice, but I actually might miss all the noise." All the noise just made me convince myself I wasn't alone, but I still was.

"Maybe...but the quiet seems like it'd be more comforting." I leaned forward and looked down. I couldn't see much of anyone. When I turned my head Usagi's face was right near mine. I knew this was the moment...it was now or never, because if I turned my head things wouldn't be the same between us anymore. He leaned in even closer. I didn't move closer or pull away. Was I really willing to take this risk? I could discover something brilliant...but I couldn't at the same time. He moved closer again. It was like he was asking me "is this okay?" and I couldn't answer anything. His nose touched mine.

Usagi

I remember it so clearly now. Our first real kiss. He had his hands in his pockets I could tell they were clenched into fists. I kept pushing and he didn't move. So finally I decided to take a risk. I was sure it would end badly. He would hate me and we'd go our separate ways, and I'd be alone again. The only one I'd have left would be the one who was always there for me. My best friend Hiroki. In my mind I was fine with it. I knew that if I didn't take the leap I'd have to keep being his best friend. I'd already played the role with Takahiro and I wasn't ready for it again. So I moved closer and closer and when my lips finally touched his I was barely breathing, but then...he kissed me back.

I remember the feeling of him standing on my feet, because I was so much taller. I still am. And I remember the feeling of my hands on the small of his back and how warm he was. I want to say thank you Misaki.

Misaki

And thinking back now...it was the best first kiss I could possibly have. When his lips touched mine I realized I was ready to take the risk. His hands were cold but inviting, and I liked how my hands fit nicely around his neck...my arms resting on his collar bones. And thinking about now I don't know where I would've ended up without this kiss. So I want to say thank you Usagi-san.

That night I lost my virginity. I didn't feel used up or disgusting. I felt like I belonged somewhere.

Chapter 7: A New Home  
Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews. I'm glad everyone thinks this is so cute.

Misaki

I woke up and smelled like him everywhere. I realized it was because I was wrapped in his arms. It was dark, the only light a bunny alarm clock far across the room. I was warm and comfortable. I didn't feel like getting up. I felt around for my phone, I had a couple missed calls. They were all from Takahiro. I clicked on his name and waited for the phone to started ringing. "Misaki what the hell is going on?"

"What? What are you talking about Nii-chan?" I could hear him almost growl. He said a few things under his breath.

"You stay out all night. You don't even call." I yawned.

"I didn't know I had to." I snuggled into Usagi's pillow and started to drift off.

"I don't care how old you are Misaki. As long as you live with me you will follow my rules." He was really mad...

"Who's that?" Usagi sat up.

"Oh it's Nii-chan. I didn't call him last night. He's mad at me."

"Who are you talking to!" I winced. He didn't have to yell.

Usagi took the phone. "He's with me." I couldn't hear anymore of the conversation. Usagi sounded calm the whole time, but I could tell Nii-chan was freaking out. He hung up. "I have to bring you home."

"I figured that." I rubbed my eyes. I wish I could stay.

"You look like you're going to go to sleep again." I felt like it.

"My bed isn't this comfortable." It doesn't smell this good either. I don't have the most comfortable blanket it the world either. It felt like I was sleeping in a fancy hotel room.

"Maybe...you should move in." I looked up.

"Nii-chan wouldn't be too happy. I might end up in your way." He shook his head.

"It gets lonely around here. We'll talk about it more some other time. Now I should just get you home." I felt like I was home here...

Usagi

Misaki took his time getting dressed. I could tell he was a little uncomfortable. Sex was never very comfortable the first time, and worse afterwards. He didn't bother with his hair or anything else and trudged out to the car looking a little more than miserable. He sat in the front barely able to keep his eyes open. He would slump forward from time to time, and then wake up for a little while. He looked like a kid who'd been at the beach all day. He waved from the front door. I felt sad knowing he was going to face Takahiro alone. There wasn't much I could do.

Takahiro

Misaki sat on the couch. His eyes kept closing. He was leaning all the way to the side now. Every time I tried to talk to him he would start falling asleep again. Manami thought it was hilarious. I couldn't even get mad at him even though I was trying. He looked so ridiculous. "Misaki why are you so tired?"

"Maybe it was the bed..." He blink lazily. What bed? "Have you ever slept in Usagi's bed it feels like a cloud." Usagi's bed...why was he in Usagi's bed? Usagi had a guest room.

"Why were you in his bed?" Misaki looked up at me and smiled.

"Does it really matter? Nii-chan can we talk later? I'm tired." I bit my lip so I wouldn't say anything bad.

"Sure Misaki." He stood and slowly walked to his room. There was something going on here and I was going to find out what it is.

Chapter 8: Comfort in Darkness  
Author's Note: I've been trying to update frequently but things are getting busier and busier. Can't believe I'm almost done high school.

Takahiro

Misaki had finally gotten up. He was in his running gear and shoveling cereal into his mouth he wasn't even using milk...or a spoon. "Morning Nii-chan."

"It's noon." He waved his hand. He sat at the table across from me.

"Nii-chan I've been thinking of moving out." His job couldn't pay for anything. It barely got him what he wanted let alone what he needed.

"Why? I don't think that's your best option right now." He sighed.

"Nii-chan Manami is going to want more kids, you want your privacy, and I've already got an offer." Offer... "Usagi says I can move in whenever I'm ready." This again...what was he doing even talking to him?

"Misaki I'm not really comfortable with this." I looked over to Manami.

"It may be a good idea sweetheart." She smiled. I sighed. I'd already lost.

"Fine. But I'm not happy with this." Misaki jumped up.

"Thanks Nii-chan! I already have my stuff packed. I'll just call." He was leaving...today...

"Why are you in such a rush?" He stopped.

"I'll visit often Nii-chan." That wasn't the point.

Usagi

Misaki sat in the backseat on my car with a fishbowl on his lap. The rest of his possessions were in three small boxes, neatly sitting next to him. He was smiling while looking down at his gold fish. I never knew what it was like to be that carefree.

I grabbed all his boxes after insisting he might kill his fish. And then we were there. Home sweet home. I'd cleared out the second upstairs room so Misaki could use it. He followed me up the stairs and into the room, placing his fish down. "I didn't tell him we were together. I couldn't seem to say it for some reason. Does that make you mad?"

"It's better off that way." I nodded. "We don't have to hide anything, but we don't have to say anything either."

"You're right and this is the only way I'm going to be able to make decisions for myself. Ever since getting married Takahiro is strict. I can't do much anymore. It's not like I have many friends either. That's why I'm grateful to you. Thanks for letting me stay." I felt kind of embarrassed.

"It's no problem. There's all this room anyway. I don't have much time to do anything so you're helping me out, really." I looked out the window at the sky. "So just unpack. I'll be in the office if you need anything."

Misaki

I unpacked most of the day. I didn't have much I just need to rearrange the room to my liking. I walked softly passed the office door where coffee cups were piled high. Usagi was typing busily. He stopped to rub the bridge of his nose, pushing is glasses out of the way while doing so. A huge bear rested next to him, he patted it's head and continued on. I quietly made my way down the steps and into the kitchen, looking through everything. It was much better than the kitchen I was used to. A cooked a great dinner in no time. Usagi appeared at the top of the steps with a confused look on his face, just as I was down setting the table. He looked down at me. "You didn't have to do that."

"I figured you'd get hungry soon." He just smiled and joined me at the table. He really did have a nice smile. Dinner was going smoothly until Usagi found a pepper. He narrowed his eyes.

"I don't like peppers." His nose scrunched up.

"They're good for you." He stared at it like it was a centipede. "They taste good too."

"No they don't." I sighed.

"It won't kill you to eat it." He looked like he disagreed.

"I'll only eat it if you feed it to me." If I didn't I was wrong...but if I did something could happen. I didn't know what that would be. Maybe he'd just eat it and that'd be the end. I picked a pepper up off my plate and leaned over the table. He looked shocked that I even took him seriously. I stuck it in his mouth and sat back down. I continued to eat like nothing happened in order to keep my sanity.

After dinner Usagi returned to his office. He hadn't talked after eating the pepper. I washed the dishes and made it up to my room, changed into my pajamas, and laid down. I stared at the ceiling...did I miss anything about living with Nii-chan yet. I honestly felt bad that I couldn't really think of much. The first couple months were great, but the family aura slowly disappeared as I started to become less and less included. It started with visiting Manami's family, they "were the best" I didn't feel like that was something that I could tag along on. The visits became more frequent, Manami got pregnant, I become nonexistent. I tried to run from my problems, but I could only go in a circle, crashing into them over and over.

Hours passed before I my eyes got heavy. I still couldn't sleep. I heard Usagi go to bed. I could hear the quiet settle in the building. My eyes burned with the desire to sleep, but my mind wouldn't stop racing, my heart wouldn't stop crying. I curled into a ball and faced the wall, so I couldn't stare at anything. Nii-chan...I hate everything about this...I hate how you've changed. I liked when it was us against the world. Another hour passed. I got up and wandered around. I stopped in front of Usagi's door, my hand hovering above the doorknob. I opened it slowly and made my way to the bed. He was already asleep, had been asleep for some time.

I snuggled into his side. This was the smell of my new home. I felt his hand touch my head lightly and I wrapped my arms around his waist. "What's wrong?" There was still sleep in his voice, it was huskier than usual.

"I couldn't sleep." I mumbled it into his shirt.

"Why? Not used to the new place?" I shook my head.

"I was just thinking too much." I couldn't think around Usagi. His scent fogged up my brain, his voice left me dazed. He helped me forget what I tried so hard to forget on my own.

"Do you want to talk about it?" It wouldn't make things better. Nothing could change now.

"No...I want to forget it." Usagi pressed his lips to mine. And for the first time in a long time, I was comfortable in the dark.

Chapter 9: The Ice In Our Hearts  
Author's Note: Thank you very much for reviews.

Usagi

Sunlight poured through the windows and stung my eyes. I'd been awake most of the night. Watching Misaki, rubbing his head slowly until his sleep became relaxed. He stretched like a cat and opened one eye. He looked around. "I'm sorry did I bother you last night?"

"Not at all." He looked relieved. This was what it was like to feel like no matter what you did you were always a bother. I didn't like that Takahiro left this feeling inside his so called precious little brother.

"I'll make breakfast." I stopped him from getting up.

"Not so fast." He looked confused. "You think it was easy for me to lay here near you all night. I want some type of reward."

"But I thought I didn't bother you." He tried to shove my arm away.

"I've reconsidered." His eyes widened. "But don't worry. I don't want much. Just to kiss you." He was quiet for a minute. "Wherever I want."

"Only kisses right?" His eyes were round and green, simply beautiful.

"Of course." He nodded.

"Fine."

Misaki

Usagi lifted my leg, running his fingers from my calf down to my ankle. His grip tightened, it hurt for less than a second before becoming the most gentle touch I'd ever known. He started at my foot and then worked his way up leaving a trail of kisses that lit my skin on fire. I was struggling to breathe. I thought a kiss was a kiss, but I was wrong. Sometimes they were gentle, others rough, and sometimes I could feel his tongue, warm and rough on my skin. He teeth would graze me and sometimes he would bite, but it didn't feel bad. He stopped when he reached my thigh and looked up at me. It was the look of a devil. I could feel my heart tighten in my chest. "Don't worry. Only kisses." Somehow I doubted he was telling the truth.

But he was. They were kisses. Just in all the places I didn't want him to kiss me. I endured it until he was satisfied with his work. "I've worked up an appetite." He smiled. I slid of the bed and walked down the stairs careful to hold on to the railing.

I was just into cooking breakfast when the front door opened. Aikawa walked in holding some books. She stopped and looked at me. I was only wearing a pajama shirt that was thankfully too long for me. I wrapped my arms around my stomach. "Um...hi...I'll uh...get Usagi for you." She looked confused. I took the steps two at a time. "Usagi...there's a girl here..." He looked annoyed. I pulled on my pants and hurried back downstairs to check on the rice I was making. He followed a couple minutes later, giant bear in tow.

"Aikawa." He flopped down on the couch and gestured towards the seat across from him. She sat down. She glanced at me.

"Breakfast will be done in a couple minutes." Aikawa smiled, Usagi just began flipping through papers.

Aikawa

I never thought I would see that kid hear this fast. It was only a little while ago that Akihiko-san had shown me this kid, the one at the park running so fiercely. Here he was though. Judging by how he was when I walked in, they'd already started a relationship. There was nothing I could do about it now, but I could feel a small ache in my heart. It was like this every time Akihiko-san entered into something that would probably just hurt him, hurt me in return. Sometimes I couldn't understand why I wasn't good enough for him. I knew it wasn't that I wasn't desirable. That wasn't the problem. I'd had my share of relationships. It's that I wasn't desirable to him. What was...was the Takahashi's. Something about them was what he was looking for. No matter how hard I tried. I would never be able to hold one against them.

I looked back towards the kitchen where he stood. I wasn't a good cook. His name was Misaki if I remembered. He reached up for some cups, pulling his shirt up slowly as he did so. I saw the look on Akihiko's face and knew that he'd never feel the same way about me. And suddenly I wanted to cry. There was no way I could compete with Misaki. He had everything most girls wanted. Soft hair, big round eyes, a slight figure, and creamy pale skin that looked like milk tea. "Well, read through all these Sensei. Call me if you have any questions. I have a bit of work that I still need to take care of. I will come check on you so you better have you work done soon." He looked up with a confused expression on his face. "I have copies of the paperwork this time to just circle anything you'll have questions about and call me." I practically ran out.

I was probably destined to be alone. Every man I was with claimed I couldn't open up my heart even though they gave me everything. The problem was I wanted what I couldn't have. It'd been like this for years now. My heels echoed as I ran to the elevator. I pushed the button multiple times. I looked back even though I knew he wasn't coming after me. I took a deep breath and stepped into the elevator trying to calm the pounding in my head. I couldn't be too mad. It took some real skill to melt the ice in Usami Akihiko's heart. "You must be one special person Misaki."

Chapter 10: Love Isn't Easy  
Author's Note: Sorry it's been almost a month since I updated this! I know this is a favorite of many people. Haha. I just forgot. Enjoy.

Usagi

By the time I got up and peered into the hallway Aikawa had already reached the elevator doors. I watched as she hit the button multiple times. Maybe she was really just in a hurry. I walked back inside and flopped down on the couch to look at all the papers. Misaki whistled as he cooked. He would occasionally glance at me and look away. He always did things like that but I could still see the small smile on his face.

"You seem happy today." He looked up.

"I was just thinking it's kind of nice to have a family." Family...me? "Dinner is ready." I sat at the table and tried to focus on eating and not attacking Misaki with kisses. He looked down and his eyelashes brushed his cheeks. I focused on looking at my plate and eating. "Maybe I should've cooked more. You seem hungry."

"No. It's just good." He smiled.

"It's the first time I made this so I was wondering. I'm glad you like it." Dinner ended. Misaki cleared the plates. "You can take a bath first. I have to clean up." I nodded and made my way to the bathroom.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I had bag under my eyes from working so hard to complete everything. Maybe I should do things earlier like Aikawa told me. Now I had someone to impress. Misaki won't like me looking like a zombie. I pushed my hair back. Did he like that my hair was this gray? I could always change it, but I wouldn't want to keep up with it. Maybe I could change the style...I thought of Misaki's fingers running through my hair. He must like it enough. Well...I was fit. I didn't really have to worry about that. I always kept my body in good condition so I wouldn't pass out and cause trouble again.

I slipped in the bath. Bubbles...I hadn't used these in a long time. I didn't even know I had them. It seemed like something Misaki would do...bubbles. It made me feel like a kid again. I slipped under the water.

Misaki

Usagi seemed a little off today. Hopefully the bath was helping him. The kitchen was pretty much spotless when I finished. I made my way up to my room and looked around. I sat on the bed and stared out the window. The view was beautiful. I should be happy...but it seemed something was missing. Or maybe I wasn't admitting something to myself. How did I feel about Usagi? Truly.

I'd never believed in love at first sight. So far I had really believed what I had for him was a admiration. And I did admire him, but there was something else too. Usagi would know more about love than I would. I got up and knocked lightly on the bathroom door. "Come in." I opened the door a crack and peeked in. Usagi was still sitting in the bath. I sat on the toilet.

"Um...Usagi-san?" He looked at me expectantly. "How do you know when your in love?" His eyes widened a little.

"You think of that person a lot. More than anyone else. They suddenly become very important to you. You don't want them to ever be hurt and when you see them with someone else it hurts. You'll do anything to make sure you're by their side even if it means hurting yourself." Ah...so this is how he felt about Nii-chan. I doubted Manami's love ran as deep, but she could be surprising at times.

"That makes sense." I stood up.

"Why did you ask that?" I could tell him here and now and get it over with, or hold it off. It was something that was hard to say.

"I'm just trying to sort out my feelings." He had a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. I knew he'd figured it out. "Thank you." I quickly made it back to my room and shut the door before leaning against it. Love wasn't easy.

Chapter 11: Movie Romance  
Author's Note: Updating while not having internet is annoying. Once I finish I can't do anything but wait T.T

Usagi

Misaki sat at the table looking down at his textbook. I watched as he bit down on his pen in frustration for what seemed like the millionth torturous time. I'd told myself this morning I'd leave him alone until he was done his homework and I was done reviewing Aikawa's story corrections. It was harder than it seemed. While Misaki worked he squirmed around a lot, sighed, bit his pen cap, and would look around like the answer was hidden in the walls. He didn't understand how cute it was.

He suddenly stop up. "A snack should help." He walked into the kitchen. It was the first time I'd seen him look like a bum. He was in sweatpants and a large t-shirt he stole from my closet. His hair was back in a small ponytail with his bangs clipped back. He wore his usual colorfully patterned socks. The laundry and dishes sat in piles around the house. It was the first time I'd seen him write a paper for school.

He returned to the table with a cup of tea and some cookies. He began to draw small designs on the fogged up glass. Catching himself he straightened up and looked down at the paper. Barely anything was written down. He'd been sitting here for two hours now. The only thing I could do was help him. I'd finished my work and just watching him was getting to be painful.

"Misaki how about I help you?" He looked up.

"I guess I could use some help." He walked over with the essay prompt and sat next to. I smelled his strawberry shampoo while he pointed out some things he didn't understand. It honestly was a tough question so I couldn't blame him. I explained everything as clearly as I could manage with him so close to me. "Thanks Usagi-san." He ran back to the table and picked up his pen.

I made my way up to the office to try and get something done. I stared down at the storyboard for one of my newly anticipated books...I moved it out of the way and opened my laptop to a clean document. I needed to let out some frustration...which meant a new book of my not so literary works. Before I knew it hours had passed.

Misaki

Usagi came downstairs just as I was finishing up. He had an armful of coffee mugs and a trash can pile with papers. His hair was slicked back from where he often ran his hand through it. He dropped everything in the kitchen and stretched. He looked like he got a lot done for once. He seemed refreshed. "Do you want me to edit your paper?"

"No this was just the rough draft. The teacher wants to go over it with us. So I'm done for now." Usagi suddenly appeared in front of me.

"You're sure. You're done?" I nodded. He looked relieved. "I've been trying to not bother you all day." No wonder why he looked like he was going to die today. I didn't realize he'd left me alone the entire day. I looked at the clock. It was way passed dinner time.

"Are you hungry?" He looked like he had to think about.

"We can order something." I nodded. "I'll take care of it." I turned on the tv and flipped through channels until Usagi appeared with food. We ate using only the dim light coming from the kitchen. "I've always wanted to do something like this."

"This? Eating in the dark." Usagi laughed. It'd been awhile since I heard it. It felt like someone shocked me with electricity.

"It's just something you see in every movie. It doesn't feel as romantic as I thought it would." I couldn't help but smile.

"Well we're not really doing anything romantic." Usagi looked confused.

"I don't get it." I grabbed some sushi and held it up to his mouth. "You're not even going to use chopsticks. How dirty." He ate it before I could pull my hand away. I felt his lips briefly touch my fingers. "I'm just kidding." Now it did feel like a movie. I went back to eating awkwardly.

Usagi put his hand under my chin. "Are you nervous?"

At that time I would never admit to myself how nervous I really was. I was nervous that I was falling for this man who'd just appeared in my life so suddenly. I was nervous that I'd stopping running from everything and was beginning to get comfortable. Once I got comfortable things went wrong, or at least that's how it'd always been since I was younger. I was more nervous than I'd ever been in my entire life, but I was excited too.

Usagi

"Yes." I'd expected him to deny it. Do what he always did. I was thrown off.

"Why?" It came out sounding louder than I'd intended in the silence.

"Because I think I love you." His answer was barely audible. All I'd ever wanted was a moment like this in my life. I'd always imagined I'd be happy and say something romantic. I was so shocked I couldn't say anything. It felt like my throat had suddenly closed up, my brain shut down, and my heart thrown into over drive. My blood was boiling and for some reason I felt like I was going to cry. All I could do was act on impulse and kiss him.

Before when I kissed Misaki I thought it was passionate. There'd never been anything like this between me and anyone else. I heard his plate clatter to the floor, his glass shatter on the floor as I pinned him against the arm of the couch. His fists grabbed my shirt and held me closer. Somehow finding his warm body beneath everything he was wearing was more exciting than when I'd just yank everything off. "Not here. Let's go to bed." I'd barely heard what he said. When I finally understood I felt like I might throw up. He wanted me.

Chapter 12: Pitch Black Romance  
Usagi

I looked down at Misaki. His face was red, his head turned to the side, his eyes squeezed shut. He was more nervous than usual. He wasn't resisting, but he seemed to be holding back. There had to be someone way to make him open up besides force. I pressed my ear to his chest. I heard his heart being throw into over time. "Are you having a heart attack?"

"Maybe." He laughed. I can't seem to calm myself down.

"Usually this isn't a calming activity." I felt his hands on my back. They were small and warm. I got goose bumps thinking about his hands touching me. The room felt hotter than it did when we first got it. I wanted to just rip his clothes off already, but it's not what he wanted. It wasn't really what I wanted either. I'd have to start somewhere though. I swish of our pants together suddenly made the moment a little more real, made me a little more restless.

Sliding my hands up Misaki's shirt I could tell he was feeling the same way. His skin was sticky with sweat. His breath was coming in short bursts, yet we'd barely down anything. "It feels like the surface of the sun in here." I couldn't help but smile. Misaki was very rarely this agitated. Even when he got angry he'd just mumble and not voice it this clearly.

He felt around for the remote to the air conditioner. Instead he ended up turning off the light. It was pitch black. I couldn't even see his face. "Sorry. I'll turn it back on." Misaki felt around his hand brushed my stomach. "...I can't see..."

"This is fine." I let my lips trail his neck until I found his chin. I let my lips touch his. Misaki's hand wrapped around my neck. He adjusted himself to fit me better. The kiss was so hard it made my lips hurt. I was so stunned I didn't have time to do anything else. It was the most urgent I'd ever seen Misaki. I wasn't sure how to act. He fell back on the pillow with a flop. I could feel his chest rising and falling at an alarmingly fast rate. And then he'd undone one button on my shirt clumsily and was moving to the next, letting out a spew of curses all the while. I could probably reach the light but I wasn't going to turn it on now, not when he'd gotten so far. I sat up and pulled him into my lap before lifting his shirt off. It was exciting not being able to see, well not really. The small light from the window was all we had. It was a different kind of rush.

Misaki

His lips slid down my chest, taking in everything yet nothing all at the same time. I could barely stop myself from pinning him down and just telling him to get it over with. I was shaking in the weirdest way, not from the cold, or fear, or even nervousness, but longing. Just do it already. It was the first time I'd thought something like that. It was too much, but not enough. Satisfying, but not. I wasn't sure what to do or how to feel. I found myself not able to think about anything, but what was going to come, what I thought was going to come anyway.

His voice was low, whispering things I could barely hear and what I did hear sent chills throughout my body. Everything about the moment felt right. Standing on my knees, with my hands on either side of his face, I could see Usagi in the moonlight. His arms wrapped tight around my torso. I lost my breath in that moment. I'd never thought it before...but he was beautiful. I'd never been the one to look down at him, I understood the appeal now. His eyes were glowing with something foreign to me, it wasn't love or lust...something else I couldn't put my finger on. His hands trailed up my back. My eyes locked with his. He caught my lips in one swift movement. Skillful as always, he was tired of waiting for me. I was tired of waiting for myself, but I was in awe. I'd never experienced really seeing someone.

His thumbs hooked into my pants and underwear all at once. He could yank them off with one swift movement if he wanted to, instead he stayed still, looking at me questioningly. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt embarrassed, but excited. I separated my hands from his face and moved them down to his belt. There was no turning back now. If I was going to do this it had to happen now. I fumbled with the clasp in the dark, once it was released Usagi let out a long sigh. He'd been waiting awhile.

Usagi

I lifted myself slightly. Misaki pulled down my pants fast without looking at me, but looking over me. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't move this slow. I pushed him back and leaned over him on all fours, kicking my pants off fast. I didn't have on anything underneath them anyway. His eyes widened, but he didn't look away. I'd been ready for some time. In a quick movement I had his pants off and across the room. He barely had any time to react.

Misaki

I could feel it, feel him. I could feel the pleasure building up, hear him, hear myself, but it felt like it wasn't my body going through this need. It wasn't just a voice in the back of my mind, but a screaming in my head. What I'd wanted for so long, I'd finally made myself realize. I wanted someone to love me like this, this reckless, painful, scary way I couldn't get from anyone else but Usagi.

The intake of breath, the falling off the edge, the release it brought. All I could think was: I want more. Not enough. I couldn't breathe let alone talk. I gripped his shoulders tightly. His eyes opened slowly, whatever was there earlier was gone. It'd been replaced. With the scary clawing need that I felt now.

Chapter 13: Being Out of Control  
Author's Note: Just so you guys know I try to update every story once a month. In the summer once a week. Also a lot of you guys often request for Misaki to be on top...for me it seems like Usagi just wouldn't let something like that happen but he does have weaknesses too. Enjoy.

Usagi

I let my lips trail up Misaki's neck before taking his earlobe between my teeth. My hands trailed down his stomach. His waist was so small it worried me sometimes. His fingers made their way through my hair. I looked up at him, his eyes were half shut, he was biting his lip on one side. He never looked like that. It felt like someone punched me in the stomach. We'd been in here for hours. He looked tired now, but I couldn't seem to stop touching him.

I brought my lips to his. He kissed me softly. I couldn't deal with this anymore. "Sorry I know you're tired, but I'm going to be selfish." Maybe I wasn't satisfied because of how distracted I kept getting. Once I'd built up a rhythm I'd noticed something I hadn't noticed before, weird things like the length of Misaki's eyelashes or how red the tips of his ears were.

This time it was his hands. I wanted to be his hands. His was biting down on his index finger. His fingers were wet with saliva. I felt jealous of his hands...there was something wrong with me. His other hand clutched the sheets in a tight fist. I wanted him to hold me that tightly. The more my frustration built up the rougher I was without realize. Misaki's hand squeezed my wrist. "Wait..."

His hair was stuck to his forehead because of the sweat. He was breathing heavily. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong that's the problem." Pleasure bordering pain. Misaki sat up pushing me down and sitting on top of me. "Is there something wrong with you today?"

Misaki

I was about to die and he wasn't even tired. Usagi got like this when he was stressed out. He'd use me as his stress ball. It wasn't really fun. Despite what people thought sex wasn't always fun. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I didn't like it or anything, but I didn't like the coldness of it. I always woke up with a sinking feeling after. "I want you to hold me." It was a request I didn't receive often.

I laid with my ear to his chest, intertwined my fingers with his. This was the first time I was taking the lead. It was never me sitting on top of Usagi. He was afraid to hand over the reigns. He'd never let me finish what I started. I sat up and held his wrists tightly. "Let me..." His eyes widened. I didn't even finish my sentence before I could feel him shutting himself down. I had to get through to him. There was nothing wrong with losing control sometimes.

Usagi

Looking up at Misaki was much different from looking down at him. It was somehow...a very erotic experience. He didn't realize he wasn't always cute, there were things he did that were so sexy it was painful for me to look...but I couldn't look away. I couldn't close my ears to all the noises, every breath he took, every moan that escaped his lips. I couldn't seem to catch my breath. I understood how he felt now. With his hands holding me so tightly he couldn't cover his mouth. And now I was no longer jealous of his hands. I was proud of myself for making him this way. He was like this because of me, my body.

Chapter 14: What Love Is  
Author's Note: I really like this story. Here is one last chapter looking a bit into the future. Thanks for reading :)

Misaki

The sunlight seeped through the window and hit me directly in the face. I'd fallen asleep in my room for the first time in a year. Usagi and Nii-chan had been talking late into the night. I'd left them alone because I thought that was my best option at the time. Although I was curious I was also scared. It all started with a call yesterday morning...

Nii-chan had called that morning. "You said you'd visit often. You haven't been here in a month Misaki."

"I know Nii-chan I've just been a little busy. I got a job at Usagi's publishing company to help out. I feel useless just doing nothing." He sighed.

"I'm coming to visit today and there's nothing you can say to stop me. I'll see you later." He hung up without waiting for my answer. I'd immediately freaked out. Usagi watched me with an amused look on his face.

"What's wrong?" I came over and sat down. I put my head in my hands.

"Nii-chan is coming here because I haven't visited." He gave me a look.

"I thought you went to see him a couple of times already." I hated lying to anyone, but every time I boarded the train to Nii-chan's I would get there and stand outside. I never went in. I'd walk around the neighborhood and go to the bookstore. I'd do anything but what I was supposed to be doing.

"I did...but I could never knock on the door..." Usagi grabbed my chin and kissed me with bone breaking pressure. It somehow helped me get grounded. Helped me clear my head. "I should cook dinner...and clean up." I looked around and looked at the research materials piled high around the room in corners and all over tables.

"I'll help the best I can." Usagi got up and began to gather his things.

Usagi

Misaki was stressed out. I watch him scrub the floor with more force than necessary. Sometimes he would stop and sigh. I could see him breathing rapidly, looking around the room. I watched the frustrated tears form, and then he'd get back to work. The kitchen smelled like a five-star restaurant, he look polished and clean, and yet I watched him to mundane things like dust, air out carpets, and straighten bookshelves.

I followed him up to his room quietly. He left the door slightly cracked, I watched as he paced back and forth and then to my amazement punched the wall. I looked at what used to a perfectly nice wall, the hole was small. Misaki made a frustrated noise and plopped down on the bed with his head in his hands. I realized after a minute he was crying. I opened the door slowly. He looked up and tried to wipe the tears away. I held him close. "Don't worry."

Misaki

Usagi's lips traveled softly up my neck to my lips, but his hands held my wrists tightly. I could barely breathe, just as I was about to push him away the doorbell rang saving me. His eyes said he wasn't done with me and he didn't care who was here. I stood up and straightened myself up. I flexed my hand which was bright red now. I could see where the bruises were going to form. I took one last look at Usagi and walked downstairs hearing him behind me not to long after.

Dinner was going fine. Nii-chan had brought Manami along so things weren't as awkward as I'd anticipated. Usagi said nothing about me going to Nii-chan before, just backed up the story that I was busy making a career for myself. His hand rested on my leg underneath the table. Somehow I ended up gripping his hand, sometimes so tightly I got scared I might hurt him. He would glance at me with those eyes...the eyes that protected me from everything. For some reason I wasn't reassured things would be fine, I couldn't get comfortable. He saw the worry in my eyes and it echoed in his own eyes. "I'll get dessert."

"I don't know if I can eat anything else." Manami patted her stomach and laughed. It was warm and didn't seemed to match the atmosphere at all.

"I know you'll like it." I put on my best smile, but it just felt like I was going to break into little pieces. I hurried to the kitchen. I grabbed a glass and filled it with freezing water. I downed the cup and was on my second when I felt Usagi's strong arms around me. I breathed in his scent and leaned against him.

"You're doing fine." I took another deep breath, let his scent fog my thoughts. Usagi took the dessert tray before I could grab it. The glass of water was shaking violently in my hands.

Takahiro

I'd originally got up to help Misaki. I watched as Usagi kissed him and turned away. So this was what was going on here. I knew it wasn't just friendship. He was after my brother now. I watched as Misaki walked out followed by Usagi holding a try with small cakes. No wonder why he looked a wreck all night. "Can we talk Usagi?" He glanced at me with an annoyed look on his face but followed me with a smile. Misaki looked between the two of us with wide eyes. I tried to ignore him and not feel guilty.

Usagi

"I'm taking him back home." He'd said like it was already decided.

"No you're not." I crossed my arms and leaned against the wall. We were in the hallway. I knew Misaki was panicking inside because he knew this was what was going to happen tonight. "He doesn't even want to go with you. All those times he tried to visit he couldn't even walk inside." Takahiro looked hurt, but I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to punch him in the face. I wanted to do horrible things to him. I wanted to insult the girl he loved like he insulted Misaki. I settled on using words as my weapons.

"This relationship you have with him isn't healthy. It's not going on any longer." I clenched my fists.

"He is old enough to make his own decisions. Why don't we ask him?" Takahiro nodded and opened the door. It almost shut in my face before I walked in. He was acting like a little kid. Like him getting to Misaki a couple of seconds before me really matter. I was annoyed so I shoved passed him and sat next to Misaki on the couch. He was listening to Manami chat away about work and other things he probably didn't care about.

"Takahiro would like to know if you'd like to go back with him." Misaki looked up like he got slapped.

Misaki

I didn't want to go back with Nii-chan even though it made me feel guilty. I wanted to stay here with Usagi. Although every fiber of my being fought it at first I was in love and there was nothing I could do about it. Making me choose sides was childish and whatever choice I made still made me lose in someway. "I...want to stay here." Nii-chan looked angry for the first time in a while. "I know you'll never understand because you left such a brilliant, amazing, and loving person behind, but that was your choice. Not mine. I can't leave." Usagi looked as shocked as Nii-chan. "I know you're not stupid Nii-chan. You've know what was going on this whole time. You had to. And I don't care how you feel. It's about how I feel." I got up. "I'm going to sleep now." I dragged myself up the stairs and plopped into the bed fully clothed.

That leads us to now. I laid there staring up at the ceiling. I was trying to find the will to get up when Usagi came him. Last night I was pretty sure I had a panic attack when I shut the door. Looking around this were knocked off the shelves from where I fell over. It looked horrible. Usagi looked around with that worried look on his face, his eyes met mine and he just stared for a while. "Come on." He picked me up and walked to his room.

He took my clothes off slowly but methodically, almost like a robot. I could hear the bath running in the background. Once I was sitting inside the tub he started washing my hair. "Takahiro won't be coming back here. It seems we couldn't reach any agreement." He looked worn out, sad, lost, and tired. I stood on my knees and wrapped my arms around him, kissed his cheek softly.

"We both knew how it'd end up." I couldn't understand why Takahiro was hurting. I might never understand. And maybe I was too open-minded, too comfortable. To him this wasn't normal and it wouldn't ever be. Before Usagi came into my life he was in Nii-chan's and their friendship ended for the same reason I was with Usagi. Love. I wasn't scared though. And that was the only difference.

I took my time unbuttoning Usagi's shirt while he stared at me with a confused look. I pushed it down, took a minute to watch his chest rise and fall. We were breathing, I could feel him, I could smell him, hear him. This was beautiful. No one could understand unless they'd been through the same thing. I wasn't ashamed. I wasn't scared. I wasn't running anymore. The brilliance of this moment was enough to blind someone but not me. As he touched me, kissed me, and half of the water in the tub ended up on the floor...I couldn't help but think to myself...aren't I so lucky...

Usagi

I could only think that I was lucky that'd I'd fallen for him. This beautiful, courageous, and brilliant person. My new sun. The new center to my universe. Every star in my sky. My oxygen, my dreams, my life, my night, my day. Mine. All for me. I'd discovered what others called the one person for them, their soul mate. I wasn't going to let him go for anyone. Like a romantic teenager, I'll live in a dream. And I'm okay with that. This dream is my reality.


End file.
